Finally found the time to type up in this thing. The goods, the bads.. gotta jot them down, before this weekend ends.. but I keep getting distracted. This past week has been all school, no play. From this day forth, my life's going to be devoted to school. (Or I'd like to think that..) My schedule's chill, so I needa take advantage of that, farrreals. Wasn't able to add Microecon, so I'll pass on that. And I'm still on the waitlist for Nutrition, and I wanted to take that, too. Added Music with Nelle and Alyssa. Other than that, I have Geography, Sociology, and Child Development down forsure. College.. I hate you forevvs.
I'm doing everything I told myself I wouldn't do. And it feels good actually stepping out of my element. I thought my life started over again, when 2008 started. But it looks like I'm going to start from scratch, starting today. Gaining friendships back, losing relationships in return. Even trade? Pretty much. So two entries ago, I mentioned something bout making amends with someone from my past? I was able to do it. I found myself actually getting things off my chest that I've kept built up for about a year. Didn't think I'd actually live up to be the bigger person in THIS situation because everyone and their mamas knew how bad this shit got. For no real legit reason, too. Nonetheless, shit happens, friendships were mended, but it'll always be in the back of our heads. Forgive, but never forget.
"In a relationship, there just has to be so much compromising, which leads to so much compensation. And trust is a major factor. Honesty doesn't mean anything if you don't have trust. Achieving the perfect trust can be hard, even if you're so pure." -Ruth Lagmay.
I don't think I could've said it any better. I don't think I've ever stood up for myself as much as I did when I was with you. I've never had to fight that hard for anyone's trust. And after these past 15 months, I'm letting you win this fight. Because no matter how much we tried to make this work, it's not going to happen if my heart's not truly in it. What I'm trying to say is, I'm exhausted. Everyday arguements became common, and it was like my happiness had an on and off switch.. AND YOU CONTROLLED THAT. If you weren't happy, it rubbed off on me because shit.. you were my other half. Even when I tried putting myself before you, I couldn't do it because you made it seem like all this was worth it. But lately, the bad times have been outweighing our good times, and I can't do it anymore. I can't. Because no matter how much we had our talks about change ..you can't force love. And that's why I needa let you go now.. because I can't keep talking about the future when we can't even get through NOW. We were so good together, people said it from left to right. But if you were made for me, if you were really the guy for me.. it shouldn't hafta be this hard. I know it only gets harder before it gets any easier, but it seems like I'm setting myself back because I don't see a bright end after this tunnel. I feel like if I keep letting myself let you back in everytime, you're just going to get the idea that I'll open the door for you every single time. And I can't anymore, and what's sad is.. I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE. I don't want to be your get-away anymore, I don't want to base my happiness on your happiness, and I don't wanna be that girl for you anymore. I gave you my best, and it wasn't enough because I saw it in your eyes. I felt it everytime we argued, you were always expecting more. There's only so much I can take. I knew no matter how much I tried, I couldn't keep loving you without trust. And we both know TRUST is what killed us. Because I can't trust you, I can't trust your intentions because I always have to question if they're genuine. I should have listened the first time you told me that I deserve better, because you made me think you were the best for me. But it was only temporary and I'm putting an end to this circle. Why bother listening to songs about learning to treat me better, if you knew it couldn't happen? I really hope I can do this friendship thing with you.. BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE YOUR FRIEND. We've always been more than that. Before when you asked me, why I still put up with you. I used to able to answer with no setbacks. But now, I can't even give you reasons anymore. When we weren't busy arguing, you always took care of me. Taking me out, because we missed an anniversary date. Rubbing my stomach, when I wasn't feelin good. Bummin' it on the couch in our pjays, watching basketball or Spongebob. Attempting to make food for me, when I was hungry, but we both knew your mom or sisters made it. Pullin my chin towards you, because you wanted to kiss me like Lucas kissed Peyton. EVERYTHING, BASICALLY. This shit is killin' me, but I'm doing it for me and you, since there's no more "us." Thank you though, for the times that were good, even the bad times, because it made me stronger and I learned from it. I'll miss everything bout us, I'll even miss the arguements. But damn.. I didn't think our anniversary would be the day I'd find the strength to walk out on us.. So there. One year and three months. Gotta take our song off repeat. Gotta scratch those dreams/plans that were made for the future. Gotta look away when the clock says 1:11am or 11:11pm. I guess promises weren't meant to be kept. LOVE, I THOUGHT YOU HAD MY BACK THIS TIME.
Well Ima call it a night, I got home about an hour ago (it's like 4:47am now) from the cousin's 21st. And I came home to 12 missed calls.. sorry. ): I left it at home. Tomorrow is Jordan's birthday, hopefully I can make it. I should sleep now so I don't wake up with a bad hangover. Plus I didn't get much sleep last night either, slept around 4am, ugh. K well goodnight world. (:
I'm doing everything I told myself I wouldn't do. And it feels good actually stepping out of my element. I thought my life started over again, when 2008 started. But it looks like I'm going to start from scratch, starting today. Gaining friendships back, losing relationships in return. Even trade? Pretty much. So two entries ago, I mentioned something bout making amends with someone from my past? I was able to do it. I found myself actually getting things off my chest that I've kept built up for about a year. Didn't think I'd actually live up to be the bigger person in THIS situation because everyone and their mamas knew how bad this shit got. For no real legit reason, too. Nonetheless, shit happens, friendships were mended, but it'll always be in the back of our heads. Forgive, but never forget.
"In a relationship, there just has to be so much compromising, which leads to so much compensation. And trust is a major factor. Honesty doesn't mean anything if you don't have trust. Achieving the perfect trust can be hard, even if you're so pure." -Ruth Lagmay.
I don't think I could've said it any better. I don't think I've ever stood up for myself as much as I did when I was with you. I've never had to fight that hard for anyone's trust. And after these past 15 months, I'm letting you win this fight. Because no matter how much we tried to make this work, it's not going to happen if my heart's not truly in it. What I'm trying to say is, I'm exhausted. Everyday arguements became common, and it was like my happiness had an on and off switch.. AND YOU CONTROLLED THAT. If you weren't happy, it rubbed off on me because shit.. you were my other half. Even when I tried putting myself before you, I couldn't do it because you made it seem like all this was worth it. But lately, the bad times have been outweighing our good times, and I can't do it anymore. I can't. Because no matter how much we had our talks about change ..you can't force love. And that's why I needa let you go now.. because I can't keep talking about the future when we can't even get through NOW. We were so good together, people said it from left to right. But if you were made for me, if you were really the guy for me.. it shouldn't hafta be this hard. I know it only gets harder before it gets any easier, but it seems like I'm setting myself back because I don't see a bright end after this tunnel. I feel like if I keep letting myself let you back in everytime, you're just going to get the idea that I'll open the door for you every single time. And I can't anymore, and what's sad is.. I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE. I don't want to be your get-away anymore, I don't want to base my happiness on your happiness, and I don't wanna be that girl for you anymore. I gave you my best, and it wasn't enough because I saw it in your eyes. I felt it everytime we argued, you were always expecting more. There's only so much I can take. I knew no matter how much I tried, I couldn't keep loving you without trust. And we both know TRUST is what killed us. Because I can't trust you, I can't trust your intentions because I always have to question if they're genuine. I should have listened the first time you told me that I deserve better, because you made me think you were the best for me. But it was only temporary and I'm putting an end to this circle. Why bother listening to songs about learning to treat me better, if you knew it couldn't happen? I really hope I can do this friendship thing with you.. BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE YOUR FRIEND. We've always been more than that. Before when you asked me, why I still put up with you. I used to able to answer with no setbacks. But now, I can't even give you reasons anymore. When we weren't busy arguing, you always took care of me. Taking me out, because we missed an anniversary date. Rubbing my stomach, when I wasn't feelin good. Bummin' it on the couch in our pjays, watching basketball or Spongebob. Attempting to make food for me, when I was hungry, but we both knew your mom or sisters made it. Pullin my chin towards you, because you wanted to kiss me like Lucas kissed Peyton. EVERYTHING, BASICALLY. This shit is killin' me, but I'm doing it for me and you, since there's no more "us." Thank you though, for the times that were good, even the bad times, because it made me stronger and I learned from it. I'll miss everything bout us, I'll even miss the arguements. But damn.. I didn't think our anniversary would be the day I'd find the strength to walk out on us.. So there. One year and three months. Gotta take our song off repeat. Gotta scratch those dreams/plans that were made for the future. Gotta look away when the clock says 1:11am or 11:11pm. I guess promises weren't meant to be kept. LOVE, I THOUGHT YOU HAD MY BACK THIS TIME.
Well Ima call it a night, I got home about an hour ago (it's like 4:47am now) from the cousin's 21st. And I came home to 12 missed calls.. sorry. ): I left it at home. Tomorrow is Jordan's birthday, hopefully I can make it. I should sleep now so I don't wake up with a bad hangover. Plus I didn't get much sleep last night either, slept around 4am, ugh. K well goodnight world. (:
3 comments:
Whoa my bad homegirl.
Stuff happens... And it happens for a reason. You gotta do what you gotta do. But who knows, maybe this was just a big phase in your relationship where ya'll really gotta test it out. And believe that, trust is a fat ass issue in every relationship. If it ain't there, there's more competition and more obstacles to go through. It's okay though Chegrolls. Chins up. Focus on school, and thass alll good. It's okay, but hopefully we get to chill soon.
Sorry I didn't get back after I ate, I started to watch Harry Potter. =P Haha. I'll probably talk to you later then. BYEEE! <3
i freakin love you cherylyn santos times 9 mahiya but i love leia more..sowwie
Oh not a phase?! Ohhh shiiiett. Oh fisho, tell me about it though bruhhh. And it's no problem. Need anything, I'm still a call away or I could even come through. No matter, it's whatever. JuicyCoochie? I like that! =) Take care dude.
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